Recently, due to my infamous bunion surgery I have been
reliving and re-thinking some emotions I have not felt in a very long time regarding
fear, courage and bravery.
Mid November
2012 I began a journey that ended up being much more difficult than I
anticipated. After living for many years with intense bunion pain I decided it was
time to have my bunion removed. My big toe was surgically broken, straightened
and re-set and my protruding bone was shaved off. The recovery was immensely
painful. I was incapacitated for many weeks. My life came to a crashing halt as
I was unable to bear weight on my foot for a very long time. To say I was
discouraged would be an under-statement. The toll my inability to exercise,
run or even walk briskly took on my psyche was great. Days turned into weeks,
weeks into months; would I ever recover?
Slowly but surely I started improving and early in
January my doctor gave me the all clear to bear weight, wear a normal shoe and
begin working towards restoring my mobility. I was assured that my bone had
healed and no activity was off limits as long as I could control the pain and swelling.
I resumed some non-weight bearing exercising to increase my strength and looked
forward to eventually getting on the treadmill to start some slow walking.
Last week the day I’d been waiting for finally
arrived. I laced up my sneakers and headed to the basement to begin my rehab on
my treadmill. Starting off very slowly, I began to walk. It felt SO good to be
moving…for about 5 minutes. 5 minutes of pleasure followed by excruciating
pain. After a second failed attempt to get back up on my proverbial horse the
pain was more than I could handle and I had to stop. I plodded up the stairs, removed
my sneakers and socks and was mortified to see a very obvious, pointed
protrusion under my skin, near the base of my big toe. My supposedly secure
pin had popped!
Fear and discouragement followed as I planned to see
the doctor the next day for a consult and x-ray. The x-ray confirmed the pin had
come out and needed to be removed. In order to avoid a trip to the surgical
center, additional expenses etc the surgeon graciously offered to remove the
pin right there in his office.
As he explained
the risks and benefits I was instantly consumed with overwhelming fear. Fight
or flight? I decided that though fleeing was a tempting option I really wanted to
get this over with. If the doc thought he could do it right there and then I
was game. My decision was made, but I was really scared. The PA shot me up with
lots of Novocaine then left for a few minutes so the meds could do their thing.
Left alone in the exam room my fear increased. What
was I doing??? I wasn’t in a sterile environment, surely I would get an
infection. How will I drive home? I’m not even going to be able to get my shoe
on to walk to the car. Fear turned to panic. I was doomed. I started to sweat
and tear up until the positive self talk finally kicked in. “Where’s your faith
girl? God has not given you a spirit of fear. Be brave and strong. You can do this!!” That little voice was
right. I was going to face this boldly and bravely and tell my naturally wimpy
inclinations to take a hike. I purposed in my spirit to be brave.
As the procedure began I DID put on a brave face. I WAS
optimistic it would be swift and tolerable. Within minutes I realized that was
not the case. As the pain increase my courage decreased. As the procedure went
on and on the mood in the room became tense. It was apparent all was not
going as planned. I slowly reverted back
to a timid, scared posture. I began to cry. I was looking fear in the face and
fear was winning.
After what I’m sure
was at least a half hour the doctor proclaimed that he was sorry but he was
unable to locate the pin without x-ray guidance. He stitched me up, apologized again and schedule me for surgery the next day. I left his office defeated, in much
pain, scared and angry because I now had to do it all over again the next day. (
My only consolation was that he assured me I could have anesthesia with the second
procedure)
Fast forward 4 days. I survived the surgery. Though initially quite ugly,my incision is healing well. I am able to wear a soft slipper-like shoe. I worked
8 hrs on Friday and am hopeful that the worst is now behind me.
Hind sight I find myself reflecting on the horrors of
the past week and analyzing my conscious attempt at bravery. I must admit I have
been beating myself up over my perceived lack of courage. In the midst of my crisis
I claimed 2 Timothy 1: 7
“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear;
but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” I wanted to be strong and fearless but alas, I
had failed…..or had I????
What exactly does it mean to be brave anyway? I started thinking about the time in my life
when I faced the ultimate fear…cancer. Was I scared then? You betcha. But did I
run away? Nope. Did I face my fears? Well yes, I did. Maybe that is what it
really means to be brave. Maybe true bravery is going to your chemo treatment
even though you are petrified. Packing your suitcase for a 6 week trip to the hospital
even though you are consumed with fear. Putting one foot in front of the other
and doing what you need to do to find healing rather than hiding under your
covers and hoping cancer will just disappear. Is it possible being brave and
being scared go hand in hand?
Perhaps last week in my surgeon’s office,
though I was scared and crying, I was still being brave because I was doing what
I had to do. Maybe I WAS courageous and I just didn’t realize it.
Brave= having or showing courage.
Courage= the ability to confront fear, pain, uncertainty or
intimidation.
Light bulb moment: Bravery does
not require the absence of fear but an ability to confront our fears and do what
we need to do to get past them. My fear is gone. I had my surgery and am now on
the road to recovery. If I’d allowed my fear to consume me and keep from the
surgeon’s office then fear would have won and I would still be in pain. But I
did not. I got it done, despite the fear.
So dear cancer survivor friends, please take heart in
knowing you are the bravest of the brave. You are strong and courageous despite
your fears. One much wiser than me has said:
“I learned that courage was not the absence of
fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel
afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” ― Nelson Mandela
Cancer survivors, you are conquerors! Embrace your fears. Let them
push you forward to the place beyond the fear. That place of healing and
wholeness. Your fear is not a weakness. It is an outgrowth of your humanness.
What you do with it is what matters. Fear will always be there but with God’s
help and power our fears will push us to become strong and courageous!
"These things I have spoken
to you, that in Me you may have peace.
In the world
you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."
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