Change

A few years ago my best friend went to the dermatologist for a suspicious spot on her thigh. It was melanoma. Thankfully, the doctor was able to successfully remove all of the cancer.  When I invited her to participate in our local Relay for Life survivor activities her daughter quite seriously replied, “Mom, You can't go to the survivor dinner you didn’t suffer enough.”

My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer about five years ago. Because he was in his late 70’s the doctors took a conservative approach to treating him. After a few months on oral medications his cancer was gone! Cancer for him, though scary, I’m sure, was a pretty benign experience.

We know that cancer is really just a label for many varying diseases; all serious, not all life threatening. I was one of the “lucky ones” who was able to experience ALL that cancer has to offer: chemo, radiation and bone marrow transplant; complicated by graft vs host disease, and many other challenges. Spanning 3 years, from the start of treatment until I was well enough to work, my recovery was exhaustingly long.

 Cancer survivors like myself come out on the other side of this grueling experience extremely changed people. Some changes for the good, some not so good.

How did I change?  Well for starters, I felt very different from everyone around me. Living in a very small world consisting of my hospital room, my bedroom and my couch for many months left me feeling like the big beautiful world was going on without me. I had been reduced to spectator status. I so wanted to be a participant in life, but alas, I was not able. A few things happened as a result of this cloistered life. Maybe you experienced this too…

I learned to appreciate really small things that others never took a second look at. Staring at a vibrant green tree, as I drove by in the car, made me really happy. Stopping at Culvers for cheese curds on the way to my monthly doctor appointment in Milwaukee was an entertaining outing. Being able to sit through one of my son’s high school basketball games and finding the energy to converse with another parent was a major accomplishment.

 As time went by and my recovery continued my world began to expand.  Eventually, I was living a full life. Still, I found my daily accomplishments meant more to me than most people. I felt a great sense of accomplishment after a routine activity like spending a day at work. My life was filled with a prevailing sense that each day is a gift and a full, busy, active day, for me was the greatest gift; a daily reminder that I am finally back in the game!  

Another change…I am always cognizant that today could be my last day on Earth, and thankful, when it isn’t. As cancer survivors we have faced death square on. We know with every ounce of our being that tomorrow is guaranteed to no one. I concluded awhile back that all of our lives are fragile but those who have never had a near death experience seem to live with a false sense of confidence in their longevity. The reality is this: the hypothetical cancer patient who has been given 6 months to live may live longer than his healthy, young neighbor who will surprisingly get hit by a bus and die tomorrow. Life is random and unpredictable. Cancer survivors get that.

 Throughout my cancer journey I had days of great faith, clinging to God with confidence as well as days filled with nonstop tears due to consuming fear. Ultimately, I desperately wanted to recover; for my husband, my kids, my parents, and ofcourse, for myself. I wanted to stick around sweet earth as long as possible, which leads me to another way I have changed… I think about death a lot. Maybe not as much now as I used to, but more than healthy people, I’m sure. I can’t help it. I won’t bore you with all my deep death thoughts, let’s just say when you’ve stared death in the eye you do not quickly forget…I hate this. Mostly because I know that as mere humans we will never fully understand the circle of life. Yes, death is a part of life; the most mysterious part, the part we can’t understand. So why was I wasting energy trying? Good question….wish I had the answer. What I do know is that for me the solution is to try to redirect my thoughts. Whenever I find myself focusing mental energy on what God clearly chose not reveal, I try to focus instead on want He HAS revealed.

He is in control.

He loves me and will to take care of me.

He knows my thoughts and concerns and understands.

He has promised me eternal life with Him.

He wants me to trust Him with my future.

Yes, cancer changes us…for some a little, for others a lot. With introspection, prayer and wise counsel we can confidently move into our new life knowing that who we are at this very moment is not random, but planned by our Heavenly Father, for His purposes, before the foundations of the Earth.

Psalm 139: 13-17

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,  I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book  before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!