Holiday Reflections

Two weeks ago a I chose to have bunion surgery on my left foot. The recuperation from this surgery, which involved breaking my toe and re-setting it, has been very painful and complicated. I have had many moments of questioning my timing-one week before Thanksgiving, 5 weeks before Christmas. (I will not bore you with the details, but less you think me mad, I will suffice to say I did have some valid reasons for doing this now.) Needless to say, this Thanksgiving was not typical, nor will this Christmas be the usual.

I was surprised by my own thought process during a time of contemplation at church yesterday. What surprised me was that in thinking over the past couple days celebrating Thanksgiving with my family I DID NOT find my heart overflowing with gratitude for all my blessings, I did not find myself overtly thankful for my loved ones all around me, for the good food and the stimulating conversation,for my home or my  job or anything else; What was I tearfully thanking God for in that moment?  My gratitude was as basic and as simple as is imaginable. I quietly prayed, "Thank you Lord that I survived Thanksgiving".  

You see, this year, because of my choice to have surgery, I was thrust head first into self- preservation mode for the holidays…

After over a week of intense pain, and agonizing pain med withdrawal symptoms I was concerned I might not have the strength to show up to Thanksgiving dinner at all. The prospect of me doing so in a matching outfit, with a touch of make up and a clear mind was looking even bleaker. 

I mustered every ounce of energy to be there and even arrived with a hot dish in tow (my sister helped me make it) and a smile on my face.  A comfy recliner became my best friend and I had an enjoyable, though exhausting day. I regret that I was not able to converse for long periods of time with my out of town family members. I missed playing on the floor with my grand niece and nephew; not participating in the kitchen chatter as my mom and sisters prepared the meal was also disappointing. Thanksgiving was different for me this year. This year all I did was relish in the comfort of my sister’s comfy recliner…

In retrospect, as I practiced healthy self talk about the reality of the situation, I realized that everyday should be thanksgiving and I can take time NOW in THIS moment to tell my family how thankful I am from them. I know that next year will be different and for me this was just a bump in the road. My window of opportunity for being thankful is not closed…phew! 

I was also reminded of how this Thanksgiving parallels, in many ways, a couple Thanksgivings I lived through during my cancer recovery. Yes, this feeling of being in self- preservation was not a new one for me.

If you are walking through your cancer challenge this holiday season I would like to remind you of some truths you probably know in your head but may need to remind your heart of… 

Keep your goals simple. If it is important for you to be “in the moment” then focus on that. If you are able to just show up you will be giving your family and friends the greatest gift of all…the gift of your presence

I don’t really know how to explain it, but I knew in my heart how much it meant to my family to see me physically present at special occasions, despite my illness. Your family doesn’t care if you arrive with a hot dish in your hand or even a smile on your face, they are just thrilled to have you in the midst of the festivities... flawed, tired, self-conscious, it’s all ok.  

You might be thinking," I’m not sure about that. Would they even really miss me?” The importance of you being there might not seem obvious. Family life can be socially complicated and you may feel lost in the midst of the laughter, football cheers, children playing round about you, but rest assured  your presence will bring  a certain unexplainable “all is well with the world” to your family get together.

Embrace what this year is and what this year isn’t. It might not be your most productive Christmas but it will be a Christmas that will change your life forever. Like it or not, this cancer experience is changing you and next year you will be a different person than you are this year…Different, yes and most probably better. You will have improved at not sweating the small stuff (‘cause you can’t) and will hopefully appreciate life’s simple pleasures all the more…like sitting in a room full of family members (or laying on the couch),smiling at the fact that you are loved completely and, in this safe, warm place you will always be at home.

Remember, your family hurts because you hurt and they love you unconditionally. How bout this Christmas you try to leave your unrealistic expectations behind? Let someone else make the fruit cake and give yourself permission to make caring for yourself your priority. After all, just showing up is a big deal!

             

 

 

           This Christmas and always I wish each 

              of you perfect peace and health from

                            my home to yours...

                         Isaiah 26:3 You will keep him in perfect peace, 

                       whose mind is stayed on you: because he trusts in you.